And away we go—the Bastian Schweinsteiger 2014 World Cup Drinking Game

Football-obsessed friends, Beer lovers, Others-who-have-somehow-been roped-into-watching-the beautiful-game-against-their-will—lend us your livers!

Welcome to the 2014 World Cup edition of the Bastian Schweinsteiger World Cup Drinking Game. We’d be lying if we didn't admit to taking things a bit on the easy side since Euro 2012, although by the way Tidsy reacted after Arsenal won the FA Cup, you'd have thought beer was about to go out of fashion. But not to worry, we've combed the best and brightest football-watching minds in search of some new rules we feel will make this year's World Cup the drunkiest of them all!

Okay, fine. We spent 10 minutes discussing it while waiting for the Sound of Music Sing-a-Long to start. Judge us if you want, but you have no idea how beer-drinkingly inspiring the von Trapp family can be, especially the Captain and Maria. Now THAT'S a love story. We digress...

We've updated many of the old standards, but we've come up with a few new ones that are sure to tickle your fancy, but perhaps not your head or your tummy the morning after. Kindly note that the authors of this guide do not condone drinking to excess—excepting, of course, when it pertains to themselves. So, keep it clean and please drink responsibly.

Yours, in Schweinsteiger,
Tidsy and Beatrice

The rule that started it all: The "Bastian Schweinsteiger" rule

Action: Take a drink whenever Bastian Schweinsteiger’s name is mentioned by the commentator OR whenever you see it in text pre-, during and post-Germany matches. Optional (but highly encouraged): yell "Schweinsteiger" before you take your drink.

Rule The "Bastian Schweinsteiger 'stand-in'” rule

Action: For all non-Germany matches, pick a player. That player becomes your “Bastian Schweinsteiger” for the duration of the game and the Bastian Schweinsteiger rule—in full—will apply. Optional (encouraged for games occurring many hours after first call): your table picks the same player for sake of ease.

The rest, but not not the best

Rule: The "lamenting the loss of Landon" rule

Action: Poor Landon Donovan. Would the US even be in the World Cup without his efforts? We suppose that's a question for the ages, but one thing is for certain, when Ghana knocks the USMNT out of the group stages for the third time in a row, it'll be time to drown your sorrows at the bottom of your pint glass. In the meantime, take a drink if you hear anyone—commentators, friends, the loud idiot sitting next to you—opine on the tragic omission of Landon from the team.

Not a USA supporter? Landon's not the only player who was cut from their respective national teams (ahem...Nasri). Pick the one who matters most to you and run with it.

Rule: The "puking is not an appropriate goal celebration" rule



Action: Hey Lionel Messi, what's the deal with all the vomit? We only ask because we're worried. Take a small, ladylike sip of your brew if it happens during the World Cup—be it Messi or any other player, for that matter. Take two sips if the person next to ups the chuck. And hey, if you want to join them by downing your own pint, by all means. It's a free country.



Rule: The "this old guy and his trophy" rule

Action: We've all seen this guy. He's at every World Cup, blindly stalking following the Canarinhos wherever they go. Well, maybe he's not actually blind, but we think he must be. Why else would he not see that he already had a pin on his hat? You've seen him during broadcasts and even in some ads. So why not celebrate this wacky little man who's engaged in a love affair with his replica World Cup trophy. Take two drinks if the camera pans to him in the stands, one if you see him in a commercial. (Thanks to Andrew W. for the rule.)

Rule: The "gone, but not forgotten" rule

Action: So, it occured to us that should Canada ever host the World Cup—don't laugh, it could happpen—the amazing depth of former talent in this country would rival any former World Cup host. Bob Lenarduzzi > Pele any day of the week, right? Yeah, okay, we heard it too. At least we have Christine Sinclair. Take a drink whenever any number of former Brazilian superstars makes an appearance.

Rule: The "make up your our damn rule" rule

Action: How are we supposed to know—it's your freaking rule, dude.









Rule: The "Samba, Samba, Samba" rule

Action: Brazilians—they're a dancy bunch, not? So we fully expect to see many hips a shaking. Take a drink if it's someone in the crowd. If it's a player, down two gulps. And if it's Wayne Rooney, finish your beer and then stab your eyes with the closest sharp object you can find.

Rule: The "Sorry, I forgot to eat breakfast" rule

Action: This rule might be country and player specific, but one never knows what might happen on the pitch—cannabalism, for one. Take a swig if a player channels his inner chompy Suarez. Take two if it is Suarez.

Rule The “first goal” rule

Action: Write down or state out loud who you predict will score the first goal. If you’re right, everyone else at your table takes three drinks.

Tidsy has no idea what Beatrice's cat is doing on this blog.

 Rule: The “Fuleco” rule

 

 

Action: Scoring 7.3 out of 10 on appeal, this lovable little armadillo has us wondering whether Sonic the Hedgehog simply wasn't available. Take a drink when you see him in his animated form. Take two if you see the life-sized version strolling around molesting people—that's one in honour of the mascot, and one for the poor guy who has to dress like an armadillo in uncomfortably hot temperatures.

 

Rule: The "Jesus Christ, Football Star?" rule

 

Action: One of the most iconic images of Brazil, one might argue that the statue of Christ the Redeemer is the key to Brazil's footballing success. Sure, let's go with that. Take a drink whenever the camera pans to this imposing monument. And hey, if you feel like belting out a revised chorus of everyone's favourite Andrew Lloyd Webber ditty, by all means.

 

Rule: The "He could have been killed!" rule

 

Action: Sometimes bad things happe to good people. And sometimes good people do bad things. When these two worlds collide, you can get some pretty nasty play. When a particularly brutal tackle occurs, channel your inner Fergie and shout "HE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED." That's your cue to take a swig.

Rule: The “What? Abuse my power? Never!” rule

 Action: Take a drink whenever the camera pans to a head of state taking up prime seating real estate during a match. Take three if it’s Vladimir Putin because the further away he is from the Ukraine, the better it is for everybody.

Rule
The “useless stats rule” rule

Action: Football commentators are a goldmine when it comes to spewing completely useless facts and stats (e.g., Bastian Schweinsteiger has run 9,526.234678 kilometres in this match so far. And his favourite colour is puce.) that have nothing at all to do with game play. Take a drink if the urge strikes you. Caution: US commentators—who know nothing about the sport of football—tend to be overly zealous in their use of these stats, so you may want to just take baby sips if watching on a US network.

Rule: The "we need mo' mohawks" rule

Tidsy and Beatrice love this beautiful little weirdo.

Action: You've seen one on the likes of Balotelli, Neymar, Meireles—even CRon's sported one in the past. In celebration of this quickly-becoming-not-even-a-little-bit-original-in-the-football-world hairstyle, take a drink. Take a tiny wee sip if it's a fauxhawk. And if the curtain doesn't match the drapes, take two. Wait. What?

Rule: The “WAG” rule

Action: Self-explanatory rule where you take a drink whenever a WAG comes on screen. Take two drinks if it's Schweiny's WAG, Sarah Brandner.

Did we mention we love him?

Rule: The "We made John Terry cry" rule


Action: We rued the day when John Terry retired from the international stage, but then we realized he wasn't the only footballer to shed tears on the pitch. For purely selfish reasons, however, he was just the most fun to tease. Take two drinks when any player cries. Take three if you, or someone next two you cries.


Rule: The "pointy point point point" rule

Action: Where's Stevie pointing? What's he pointing at? It's truly a mystery for the ages. Take a drink whenever you see a player point. For more fun and games, try and come up with the most ridiculous thing he could be pointing at—the winner gets a free pint! In this case, we think Stevie is simply channeling his inner John Travolta. Or is that Jan Thozomas...




Rule: The “yellow card/red card” rule

Action: Take a drink when a player is shown a yellow card. Take two for the second. Take three for an automatic red. Double the fun it’s Schweiny or your Schweiny stand-in.

Optional: for fun, have each person at your table state who they think the first card will go to. If you’re right, everyone at the table takes a drink but you.

Rule The “manager” rule

Action: Managers are frequently shown on the television screen. Drink when this happens and keep drinking until they are no longer on the screen.

Rule
The “swears” rule

Action: Take a drink when you see a player cuss at another player. Take two if they swear at the ref. Take three if it’s Bastian Schweinsteiger—because he’s a bad ass.

Rule
The "Seriously? You're going to put him in?" rule

Action: "#!*#&%#$@, not him!" We've all thought this at some point, some of us on a weekly basis during footie season. Take one drink if the player coming on is only mostly useless. Drown your pint if the substitution heralds the loss of the match.



Rule: The "That was so a goal!" rule Retired due to FIFA common sense, which in itself deserves a drink. Cheers.

Action: We're longing for the day when the powers that be finally accept that goal line technology is in everybody's best interest. Whether we're alive to see it is another matter. Take a drink to celebrate referee blindness (or bias!) when the inevitable happens. Take three drinks if the team you're supporting is denied their rightful point.

Rule
The “goal” rule

Action: Self-explanatory: Take a drink when a goal is scored.

Rule
The “waving flag” rule

Action: For patios only: Take a drink when you see a flag in a car window. Take two drinks if it’s the team you support.

Rule
The "baller bitchface" rule

Action: Football players have a tendency to a bit over dramatic from time to time—especially when the game or a call doesn't go their way. It's always fun to behold. Take a drink when you see one. Take two drinks if it's your "stand-in Schweinsteiger." Take four if it IS Schweinsteiger.

Sorry Tidsy

Rule : The “penalty miss” rule

Action: Take a drink when a player misses a penalty kick. Take two drinks when he misses during a shoot-out. Do whatever you want when your player misses the kick that could have sent them into the next round.




Rule: The "referee's a wanker" rule

Action: If players always agreed with the referee, the game would not be nearly as entertaining. Take a drink when you see a player arguing with a ref. Take two if more than one player surrounds the referee.

Rule: The “I can’t believe he missed that” rule

Action: Take a drink when a player inexplicably misses a completely open net.

Rule: The “same club, opposing country” rule

Action: The World Cup sees players who normally play on the same club on opposing teams so it’s inevitable that many of them will be on the pitch at the same time. Take a drink when you see them interact.

Rule: The “Fifty Shades of Football” rule

Action: We all know the beautiful game is a contact sport, but sometimes that contact isn’t limited to the play at hand. Take a drink when you see two players not involved in play touch. Take two if it looks like they should get a room (note that the display of man-love usually follows a goal, so that means take another). Take three drinks if one or both of the players lets out their inner Christian Grey and instigates violence—a happy event that also usually  results in some form of card being shown. Yay, more drinks.

Rule: The "beer ad" rule

Action: Take a drink when you see a beer ad. Why? Because you need something to do during halftime. Take two drinks if it's the brand of beer you happen to be drinking.

Rule: The "blow your horn out of your ass" rule Retired due to the authors' complete and utter disdain for the Devil's noisemaker.

Action: Despite the disaster that was this rule during the last World Cup—who the hell knew everyone and their dog would get in on the vuvuzela action?—we’ve decided to keep a version of the “blow your horn” rule in this year. Because you know that some asshole still thinks they’re cool. Taking a drink is optional if/when you hear the dulcet tones of a vuvuzela. Instead, we encourage you to swear loudly at the offender, possibly yelling things about his or her mama.

Rule: The "Braaaa-zuuuu-caaaa!!!!!" rule

Action: Adidas’ WC 2014 ball—the Brazuca—is touted to be much superior to 2010's Jabulani. You remember, the ball that had players "looking like drunken sailors." We here at the BSWCDG think that was an unfair criticism: we are a drinking game, after all. Take a drink when Brazuca is the topic of consersation on TV. If you're at the point of having zero awareness of your level of obnoxiousness, feel free to yell BRAAA-ZUUUU-CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! at the top of your lungs.

"Ladies-Only" Rules

And once again, our ladies-only rules. Men are highly encouraged to play too. Because there's nothing sexier than a man who's confident enough with his sexuality that he can appreciate the beauty of another man.

Ladies Rule 1:The “short-tent” rule

Action: Take a drink when, well, you can see “it” through shorts.

Ladies Rule 2: The "on the off chance that this happens" rule

Action: Order a round of jagermeister for you and your girls—or boyz…whatevs.








Ladies Rule 3: The “skins” rule

Action: Take a drink when a player takes his shirt off. Note that this rule usually coincides with the “yellow card” rule. Yay. And when a player who has no business taking his shirt off does? Order a shot and try to pretend it never happened. And yes, I'm talking to about you, Arjen Robben. 

Ladies Rule 4: The "And then hopefully this happens" rule

Action:  Be on the lookout for this oh-so-sweet double whammy of drinking goodness. Step one: shirt off. Drink. Step two: fleeeeeeexxxx those delicious muscles for us. Drink. Oh yeaaaah.

Ladies Rule 5: The “it’s still there” rule

Action: Sometimes players need a little reassurance that their bits are still intact. We like it when this happens. Take a drink when you see a player look inside his shorts. Take two drinks if he puts his hands in there.

Ladies Rule 6: The “I see your bum” rule

Action: Shorts riding up is a happy reality in this game fraught with sliding tackles. Take a drink.