Welcome to the Euro 2012 edition of the Bastian Schweinsteiger World Cup Drinking Game. We’ve worked tirelessly since 2010 to test out some new rules we feel will enhance your Euro 2012 viewing experience. Unless the worst…erm…we mean best...case scenario happens: Bastian Schweinsteiger scores 15 goals with his shirt off while inexplicably missing the goal during a shoot-out.
In which case, you’ll be passed out under the table and the whole exercise becomes moot anyway. Kindly note that the authors of this guide do not condone drinking to excess—excepting, of course, when it pertains to themselves. So, keep it clean and please drink responsibly.
Yours, in Schweinsteiger,
Tidsy and Beatrice
Once again, the rule that started it all:The "Bastian Schweinsteiger" rule Action Take a drink whenever Bastian Schweinsteiger’s name is mentioned by the commentator OR whenever you see it in text pre-, during and post-Germany matches. Optional (but highly encouraged): yell "Schweinsteiger" before you take your drink.
Rule The Bastian Schweinsteiger “stand-in” rule
Action
For all non-Germany matches, pick a player. That player becomes your “Bastian Schweinsteiger” for the duration of the game and the Bastian Schweinsteiger rule—in full—will apply. Optional (encouraged for games occurring many hours after first call): your table picks the same player for sake of ease.
Rule The “first goal” rule
Action Write down or state out loud who you predict will score the first goal. If you’re right, everyone else at your table takes three drinks.
Rule The “Slavek and Slavko” rule Action Take a drink when you see either of these fun-loving life-size foam boys…men…cartoon characters…what the hell are these things? Take two if you see them together. Take three if you see them molesting any living creature. Down your pint if you see them passed out on the side of the pitch.Rule The “What? Abuse my power? Never!” rule
Rule
The “useless stats rule” rule
Action Football commentators are a goldmine when it comes to spewing completely useless facts and stats (e.g., Bastian Schweinsteiger has run 9,526.234678 kilometres in this match so far) that have nothing at all to do with game play. Take a drink if the urge strikes you. Caution: US commentators—who know nothing about the sport of football—tend to be overly zealous in their use of these stats, so you may want to just take baby sips if watching on a US network.
RuleThe "Irish eyes are smiling" rule
ActionGood things come to those who wait, so we'd be surprised if there weren't a healthy smattering of Irish in attendance. And we're sure a goodly portion of them will be wearing those "totally not even remotely stereotyping yourself" leprechaun hats. Take a drink when the camera pans to one. Multiply your sips by the number of hats in the shot.
Rule The “WAG” rule
Action
Self-explanatory rule where you take a drink whenever a WAG comes on screen. Take two drinks if it's Schweiny's WAG, Sarah Brandner.
RuleJohn Terry cries” rule
Action
It will be a sad day for English football fans when John Terry retires from the beautiful game. Chelsea supporters will lament the loss of their cherished and long-time leader. And the rest of us? We'll just be pissed we won’t have any cause to sing a rousing chorus of “We made John Terry cry.” Take three drinks when this inevitable event happens. Oh heck, may as well take a drink when any player cries...so touching.
Rule
The “yellow card/red card” rule
Action Take a drink when a player is shown a yellow card. Take two for the second. Take three for an automatic red. Double the fun it’s Schweiny or your Schweiny stand-in.
Optional: for fun, have each person at your table state who they think the first card will go to. If you’re right, everyone at the table takes a drink but you.
Rule The “manager” rule Action Managers are frequently shown on the television screen. Drink when this happens and keep drinking until they are no longer on the screen. Optional: Laugh maniacally when it’s Roy Hodgson because…WTF was the FA thinking?
Rule
The “swears” rule Action
Take a drink when you see a player cuss at another player. Take two if they swear at the ref. Take three if it’s Bastian Schweinsteiger—because he’s a bad ass.
Rule
The "Seriously? You're going to put him in?" rule
Action
There comes a time in every game where the manager needs to shake thing up. Sometimes we wonder if they make the worst possible choices on purpose just to keep us on our toes. Take a drink when a player holding his own is taken off and replaced with someone infinitely more incompetent. Take two drinks when a player who could have actually e made a difference in the outcome of the game is subbed on with ten minutes or less left in the match.
RuleThe "That was so a goal!" rule
ActionWe're longing for the day when the powers that be finally accept that goal line technology is in everybody's best interest. Whether we're alive to see it is another matter. Take a drink to celebrate referee blindness (or bias!) when the inevitable happens. Take three drinks if the team you're supporting is denied their rightful point.
Rule
The “goal” rule
Action
Self-explanatory: Take a drink when a goal is scored.
Rule
The “waving flag” rule
Action
For patios only: Take a drink when you see a flag in a car window. Take two drinks if it’s the team you support.
RuleThe "baller bitchface" rule
Action
Football players have a tendency to a bit over dramatic from time to time—especially when the game or a call doesn't go their way. It's always fun to behold. Take a drink when you see one. Take two drinks if it's your "stand-in Schweinsteiger." Take four if it IS Schweinsteiger.
Rule
The “penalty miss” rule
Action
Take a drink when a player misses a penalty kick. Take two drinks when he misses during a shoot-out.
RuleThe "referee's a wanker" rule
Action
If players always agreed with the referee, the game would not be nearly as entertaining. Take a drink when you see a player arguing with a ref. Take two if more than one player surrounds the referee. Take three if it's Spain...careful, that last one's a killer.
Rule
The “I can’t believe he missed that” rule
Action T
ake a drink when a player inexplicably misses a completely open net.
Rule
The “same club, opposing country” rule
Action
The World Cup sees players who normally play on the same club on opposing teams so it’s inevitable that many of them will be on the pitch at the same time. Take a drink when you see them interact.
Rule
The “Fifty Shades of Football” rule
Action
We all know the beautiful game is a contact sport, but sometimes that contact isn’t limited to the play at hand. Take a drink when you see two players not involved in play touch. Take two if it looks like they should get a room (note that the display of man-love usually follows a goal, so that means take another). Take three drinks if one or both of the players lets out their inner Christian Grey and instigates violence—a happy event that also usually results in some form of card being shown. Yay, more drinks.
Rule
The "beer ad" rule
Action
Take a drink when you see a beer ad. Why? Because you need something to do during halftime. Take two drinks if it's the brand of beer you happen to be drinking.
Rule
The "blow your horn out of your ass" rule
Action
Despite the disaster that was this rule during the last World Cup—who the hell knew everyone and their dog would get in on the vuvuzela action?—we’ve decided to keep a version of the “blow your horn” rule in this year. Because you know that some asshole still thinks they’re cool. Taking a drink is optional if/when you hear the dulcet tones of a vuvuzela. Instead, we encourage you to swear loudly at the offender, possibly yelling things about his or her mama.
Rule
The "Delta Charlie this is Tango 12, over" rule
Action
Adidas’ Euro 2012 ball—the Tango 12—is supposed to be much better designed than Jabulani, the ball criticized by many players for being too inconsistent. The authors of this game think that this is totally ridiculous…because if football players were themselves consistent, you would never see £35 million get flushed down the toilet. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Andy Carroll…I’m pretty sure your disappointing showing this year isn’t the ball’s fault...we digress...Take a drink when the men on TV do what men seem to do best—talk about their balls.
"Ladies-Only" Rules
And once again, our ladies-only rules. Men are highly encouraged to play too. Because there's nothing sexier than a man who's confident enough with his sexuality that he can appreciate the beauty of another man.
Ladies Rule 1
The “short-tent” rule
Action
Take a drink when, well, you can see “it” through shorts. Optional as it applies to John Terry, because…ew.
Ladies Rule 2 The "on the off chance that this happens" rule
Action
Order a round of jagermeister for you and your girls—or boyz…whatevs.
Ladies Rule 3
The “skins” rule
Action
Take a drink when a player takes his shirt off. Note that this rule usually coincides with the “yellow card” rule. Yay.
Ladies Rule 4
The “it’s still there” rule
Action
Sometimes players need a little reassurance that their bits are still intact. We like it when this happens. Take a drink when you see a player look inside his shorts. Take two drinks if he puts his hands in there.
Ladies Rule 5
The “I see your bum” rule
Action
Shorts riding up is a happy reality in this game fraught with sliding tackles. Take a drink.
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